4/22/08

Becalmed


I don't know whether it's the settling in of the season, or the progress that we've made, or what exactly...but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. The lovely truth is that, in the past week, an immense sense of calm has settled over me. I can't tell you what a relief this is after the strange form of inner hysteria that gripped me over the past three months, since mid-January. Gone is the sense of urgency, the feeling of time slipping through my fingers, the unfocused rush to get somewhere other than where I was. My inner clock has stopped racing, my heart has unclenched, and time is once again blissfully suspended, the hours ticking by as slowly as they did on a summer's day when I was three years old and had my entire life before me. I can breath again. I can lie in the hammock and hear the sound of a bee buzzing near my left ear, the song of a mockingbird three yards over, watch the path of a plane extending lazily across the sky.
This isn't to say that I'm feeling indolent. Quite the opposite, actually. I've realized once again, and with perfect clarity, how very much I have still to accomplish before we ever travel to China. But it isn't a feeling of panic or even of tremendous urgency. Just a lovely resolve, an anticipation of creative fulfillment.
I feel now as if I have exactly the time I need between today and the day I will hold our daughter for the first time. I feel like that event will happen precisely in its own time, exactly when it should happen. And I have the supremely comfortable feeling that I will fill every day between now and then with good, pleasurable, fruitful work.
I hope this feeling lasts for a while. I am quite enjoying it.

11 comments:

Mom-of-Bean said...

I'm not taking credit, but I'm praying for patience for you both, and I'm glad to hear you feel calm and content.
You look great, with and without shower and acutrements - and the chair is simply gorgeous. I love seeing the trees in Colorado...here everything is already that aggressive green that is in your face when late spring gives way to summer heat.

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Ahhhhh the way you described all that was like I was there listening to that bee buzzing... you had me in that calm place for a while... or is this those Chocolate Covered Chips being digested and the blood rushing to your stomach... hehehehe - just kidding... you certainly have a way with words... stay calm... your turn is coming... take care

kerri said...

It's the beginning of something so beautiful(cherish, it's well deserved)....

Margaret Miracle said...

I hope this feeling lasts and lasts for you. I am currently wound so tight that it gets hard to breath at times. I just feel no control and such anxiety in the current process and dream of the serenity you describe. I pray this bliss sustains you throughout your wait.

Tiffany said...

Ah, that is a good place to be. Enjoy.

Stefanie said...

What a wonderful way to enjoy the anticipation of the arrival of your beloved daughter!
Is it catching? Can I come over and get a bit of that calm? I could really use some of that right now! ;)

Brynn said...

Mmmm...that's good stuff, that calm. You articulate it well. I can feel it, too. Soak in it. Spread it.

Blessings.

Vivian M said...

Awwwww...enjoy the peace and quiet while you can! Because if your experience will be anything like mine, there will be no more peace and quiet for many years to come. But I would not change that for anything!

Yoli said...

This is the calm before the storm...LOL. I too always had that calm period of time where everything seemed aligned. Where time and urgency did not matter. Then LOA got in my hands. All of the sudden, I needed to be in China. Not wanted, mind you,but needed it. This is the magical hour, it feels very fulfilling and indulgent. No rush. Enjoy.

Rony said...

I was wondering if you really were "swinging" in a hammock! lol. And couldn't tell by the picture if you were standing on a ladder and were contemplating jumping... Glad, no relieved to hear you have a reached a calming point. Good job girl!

Tish said...

I'm so happy for you....and for your sense of calm! Your letter to Flynn was precious...you are a great mother!