My subconscious has its say

Well, since we were able to push our travel back to July 23-ish, a great calm and serenity has come over me. I know now that I can get everything done that needs to be done before we leave, both work-related and baby-related. We're going to be fine.
This is, in fact, pretty much the ideal timeframe - we don't have to scramble, and we'll still have her home before her first birthday. It's been such a joy to be able to relax and actually enjoy this part of the process!! I mean, lets face it, it's fun buying travel essentials, packing diaper rash paste and travel alarms and laundry soap. Even taking the typhoid pills is kinda exciting (although I never thought I'd see the day that I could enjoy ingesting live salmonella).
Putting sheets on the crib...it's awesome!

HOWEVER...apparently my subconscious has decided to go on amber alert.
Last night I had a very exhausting dream. I dreamed that, in the midst of all of the adoption paperwork, we had forgotten to get married. Realizing that, for practical reasons, we really ought to be married before this child came home, I told M. we needed to get that taken care of. He said (as he always does) no problem, we'll make it happen! I figured we didn't have time to book a venue, rehearse anything, we'd have to do it on the spot. So I picked an outdoor parkland with a beautiful view, and we called M.'s family pastor for an impromptu appearance, and I sent out hand-written invitations.
Then, I realized....the food! How were we going to arrange food for that many people on a few hours notice? And a dress! I didn't even have a dress.
So I delegated Mike to call Steve's Snappin' Dogs on Colefax and order a carload of meals-in-a-bag. Hot dogs, chips and limeade would have to do!! (when I woke up and told Mike, he thought the hot dogs were an inspired idea and wanted to know why we hadn't done it for our actual nuptials). I went through my closet and found a dress that would work in a pinch, and off we went, the whole family piled into the car (it was, for some reason, one of those old Woody station wagons).
Halfway to the park, I realized that I hadn't changed, done my hair, or put on makeup. So I had Mike drop me off at a roadside rest stop with a couple of girlfriends to help. And that's when things really got crazy...
First, I put the dress on over my jeans, and four inch heels over my socks (I never wear heels, much less 4" ones). As we were racing down the sidewalk, one of my girlfriends pointed out to me that I still had my jeans on, so I had to sit down on the pavement, pull the heels and socks off, and try to get the jeans out from under the dress. Not so easy, since they were those skinny-leg jeans (which I loath, btw) and the dress was heavy and beaded with lots of under-layers.
That eventually accomplished, I set off running again, only to realize that I had actually left my nightgown on over my jeans, and that it was now under the wedding dress, and you could see about six inches of it below the hem... and it was bright orange satin. So it was back to the restrooms, where I discovered that I had STILL not done my makeup and fixed my bedhead....I had rings of mascara around my eyes and my hair was matted and pushed up to one side by the clip I'd been wearing the night before.

Well, you get the idea. I woke up tense and exhausted - although it did make for a funny story to tell M. first thing in the morning!

I guess the message here is that while my conscious mind is feeling calm and in control, my subconscious is telling me: "Look, honey, with your organizational skills, it ain't like you're likely to win any mom-of-the-year awards. Maybe it's time you started thinking about that, huh?"



Maia said...

Ah yes - let the anxiety dreams commence! I think I had one every night for the last month before we left!

Just some general advice from someone who is just now emerging from the hole she fell into going through all this - - I would suggest reading some books about attachment in adoption (if you haven't already - I'm guessing you have- but if you need some suggestions shoot me an email) so you have that fresh in your mind when you arrive - and won't be totally taken by surprise by the different forms of grieving Qiu Qiu might go through. I think that's the best preparation I did by far. Everything material you need, you can probably buy in China, so I wouldn't put too much effort into worrying about all that. I think that preparing yourself to deal with the shock of becoming a new parent, plus the shock of actually meeting this little girl who you've got so many visions and ideas about and who might be totally different than you think, plus the shock of the way that these kids can mourn their losses, is time well spent in that last month or so.

I gave birth to a ten pound baby with no drugs, and I am here to tell you that adopting was way, WAY harder. Especially that first month or so. So don't worry when you're going through it, it's normal to be totally bewildered and sometimes miserable, and exhausted and worried. You'll also fall in love. And one day, after a little time and a lot of worry, you will wake up and it will all feel normal again. And you will have your beautiful little girl. And she will have you.

I cannot wait to see your story unfold!

TBG Happenings said...

crap! You have to be organized to win mom of the year.....:)

You will be MORE than fine. Flynn needs parents...not super-hero parents. Just parents who will love and treasure her....and you my friend have exactly what she needs!

tell her sub-conscious to shhhhh you need your rest!

Maia said...

Hey Maia -

I'm at Maia@maiarossini.com - will you send me your email addy so I can stop hogging your comments section and we can chat a little further?

xo Maia

Melanie said...

I had pretty much that same dream before we traveled the second time to bring Ethan home. I forgot that I was getting married that day, I forgot to order flowers, I forgot where the church was... on and on. Woke up and was convinced that my husband wasn't my husband...

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Something is telling me that would be me... running around crazy... though it would not be a dream... take care

Vivian M said...

Maybe your subconscience is worried you will forget some important document, or piece of clothing, or other detail in the rush to China?
Either that, or it's telling you to get rid of the skinny jeans, high heels and orange nightgown!

tiffany said...

LOL Hope you are able to relax soon although know that may not happen until they hand you your baby. :)

I had some crazy ones too but the funniest one I remember someone else having was basically about her arriving in China and they handed her a pug dog instead of her baby. She was so disappointed but didnt want to upset anyone so she didnt complain about it, just took her pug home and decided she would reapply and return someday for a human baby. LOL

I always feel better once the prepping is done...not that its actually DONE but that I can do no more. So if its getting ready for company, I am good as soon as the first person walks into my house. If its a trip, as soon as we are on the road or plane, all is well because there is simply no more I can do to prepare.

You are going to be fine. :) You are already exactly the right Mommy for Qiu Qiu. Crazy dreams and all.

kris said...

I had my first "anxiety" dream about CHINA a few weeks ago- I should post that sometime. Your dream was way funnier though, and exhausting! All those wardrobe mishaps and changing!

Alyson & Ford said...

Oh, I hope I don't start that - I need my beauty rest!!
Hope you can get a good night's sleep before your trip! Enjoy the journey!!

Alyson LID 01/27/06

kerri said...

Okay were you at my wedding, LOL...
My girls don't have a clue I'm unorganized, I fly by the seat of my pants and I think sometimes life can be a little more fun that way, your going to be be an awesome Mom, just perfect...

Yoli said...

You kill me...LOL. Well, the only thing I can tell you is that it all falls into place. You will be organized in your way. For the first weeks of Sally being here, everytime I left the house I would forget the baby bag. There will be those days. Or, you will be super vigilant and you will never forget anything.

Sarah and Elinor YaTing said...

Thanks first of all for the picture. I know what you mean about it being so personal, so you are extra kind to let us see it!
The other Maia reminded me of a couple of things about adopting. There definitely was a time when I could see the differences between the child I had received and the one I had imagined. It took a little work to let the imaginary child go, but it wasn't too bad. I suppose this is the same for any parent; you have dreams for your child and some of them are more about you and have to be let go to respect the person your child actually is. On the other hand, this magical matching business is so amazing that many of the things on my "wish list" for her, like her loving classical music and dancing, actually are part of her, and right from the first week home! So it will be an interesting time as you get to know the real Flynn.
I had the opposite experience with dreams and dreamt that everything would be peaceful and fine. Except for six hours of crying when I got her and a night of agonizing stomach pain from the stress of the unknown which I endured on the first night I had her, it all was more than fine. I actually joked that all the time I spent reading up on attachment was wasted! But maybe I just did everthing right. : ) I'm sure you will too. The big one I found was getting her to sleep. We had to try lots of things including her crib being in my room for a while, before we got that completely sorted. It must be such a change for them to go from being with lots of others and a nanny at night to being in their own room or even being in ours!
The only other advice I think you should have is to go a few days early to get over jet lag and make sure you get some sun on your foreheads (ie pineal glands) in the mornings there to reset your circadian rhythms. It seemed to work for us, both travel directions! I know everyone will tell you this, but you won't be getting as much sleep as you would like for a long time, so rest up now. Looking forward to the next part of your beautiful story.

Duchess of Lanier said...

You were so sweet to share the photo of Flynn holding your photo. It is sweet, and it is private, and I am crying joyous tears thinking of how wonderful to know that she will have seen you. Looking forward to seeing her hold you in person!
LadyL is in XZ waiting with Flynn

Tish said...

oh my! you dream like i do...and i think you own as many tank tops as i do! so happy to hear that your travel plans are underway! i love the photo of flynn looking at your photo...thank you very much for sharing it! i also love the bedding you selected for her crib! her room is absolutely lovely! and about our over indulgence...i've been posting a lot about that lately, too. hope we are all in for a big change!

operationtigerlily said...

The wood paneled station wagon cracked me up. My BFF's mom had one as were were growing up, it was calle d the Vista Cruiser. It remnded me to call her, thanks for the memory.

Your dream was a hoot. The socks and 4" heels, that look is HOT. My boys would love a wedding with hot dogs and limeade. I won't tell them though, don't want them getting any ideas when they get married (hopefully in like 20 years from now)

MotherMotherOcean said...

You are leaving soon. i am so happy for you. I still have these types of dreams. All the time. It is our hormones reminding us that we have someone to protect.

C&A said...

I had freak-o dreams before during and after MJ coming home! You;ll be a great mom- listen My house used to be clean and all that. now it looks like a mess half the time because I am busy playing with kids and the down time I play on the computer-well something has to give a not so wonderful looking house, kids or relaxing computer time? The house took the fall for the happy family! and you know what it will always be dirty to clean when ever I get around to it but the children grow older and you always need to relax some-don't watch to much tv. Mj does cry sometimes but she always wants me to hold her and I do-so I know she is grieveing but she always say to me Mommy MJ stay with Mommy- and I say yes forever and give her a big kiss! then she smiles and goes on-